The World Below

I don't care if you don't care!

2009-09-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

Socializing is, in many ways, the most confusing thing in the world, barring calculus and theoretical physics. What exactly is the right way to try to meet people at college? Walk up to them and say hi, I'm meeting you to see if you'd be a good friend? I've tried that before. It did not work out. I've tried several approaches to meeting people and they have all ended with someone cooler and with better ABS- don't ask how I know that- walking up and sweeping away whoever I was talking to. This has happened with boys as well, another one of the times I wish I could actually make this face- O.O - in real life. What goes on in that strange female mind? Do they want people to walk up to them? Do they only want attractive people? Do they admire initiative? Would they only respond to someone they know very well, screaming "OH MY GOD IT'S MATT" and attempting a running hug that they get into with such zeal that they often end up broadsiding someone with the physique of the Pillsbury Doughboy with a healthy THUMP.
I'm not sure where I was going with that. But my other point was that I don't even give a crap if anyone notices me or if I make any friends. I'm comfortable listening to Green Day and making weird faces at people just to laugh at their reactions. Nobody should need anyone else to make themselves feel good. Unless you actually suck that much, then I'd focus more on improving yourself before you go out and jump into "the game".

I top my own kind of charts!

2009-08-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my friend linked me to my own blog where an ad for girls' underwear was in the google ads sidebar.... awkward. Anyways, I have just started college as a commuter student. It feels like going on a blind date with some really sexy chick who's a lesbian- so close, but something's not right. I ALMOST GOT HIT BY A FLAMING FIRECRACKER ^.^ really, it went flying past my face! Amidst the naked guitarists in their dorms and the drunken Hyundai drivers, I went wandering around campus like some lost soul who is not really sure why he hasn't thrown himself off the tallest building on campus, or possibly shoving one of the large, muscular football men 0ff the building instead to relieve my frustration. A great stress reliever is seeing an impossibly built jock who just spent the last three hours pretending to wipe imaginary sweat off his face and apparently forgetting to put his shirt back down so we can all see his rock-hard abs plummet from a building, howling in a voice that goes several octaves higher than the deafening sound of Lady GaGa emanating from countless parties around him.
Another complaint! I want a car. I seem to have been born on the wrong side of Pennsylvania. It seems like all my friends and all the hot girls are on the west side.... So, I need a car. The problem with this is that I cannot get a job until I have proven that I can keep my grades up. So, every day I drive out in a Fisher-Price (Ford) Focus. "Hey baby, want to take a ride in my STOCK FORD FOCUS?? You know you want to!!" Oh, and this Ford Focus says "Dad of 9" on the front license plate. "You're a dad of nine!?!?!" "HELL yeahhhh." I keep on driving, wishing I could sink below the window.... And then I hear that radio ad again. "I WANNA SEE YA IN A BROWN-DAUB KIA!!!!" I want to see HIM in a mental institute, shivering and begging the guards for the crack they confiscated from his office where he spent all those long hours screaming maniacally into a microphone about cars he probably was too high to ever realize sucked.
Next time I see Nick Jonas broadside a car with his Prius, shrug, and keep driving, I'm going to throw him into a nest of giant fire ants. I would haved already bombed all of Hollywood were it not for hollywood girl.

Silly Little Kids!

2009-05-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

"FLOSS YOURSELF! FLOSS YOURSELF SOME LINDSAY LOHAN!"

Nowadays with relationships- what gives? Substance is slowly draining out of it- Dudes are desperate for attention and girls are way too... sexy.

You silly guys...

Do you really think that making an idiot of yourself gets girls? "Hey babe!!! WWHOOOOOOOOHH!!!" howls the quarterback, sticking his head out the car window as he attempts to grab the attention of a chick walking down the sidewalk. It's sad first...... "What is that thing trying to do? A mating dance?" ...then funny: "GOOD LORD!!! A PASSING MAILBOX JUST TOOK HIS HEAD OFF!!!"
This does not work, guys. Expecially when the girl has something you may not have heard of: Dignity!!! It's what people have when they are confident in themselves. You know what you look like to them? Jack Black. Except fatter. And let's say you get the girl: "What's this 'talking' thing? I want you to bounce up and down like a monkey on crack like how you did when you got me in your car! BOUNCE, MONKEY BOY!!!!"
This also does not work.

Oh, and you silly girls...

You remember how Sandra Dee herself, the original bad girl, was dressed up in the last scene of Grease? That had to be sewn together while it was worn. It couldn't even be put on or taken off. That's how tight it was. To whom it may concern- Stop dressing like hoes!!! Perhaps you didn't understand the implications when your minishorts exploded last week. That scream of pain you heard? It was the minishorts! They don't want to be stretched! Are you really so lacking in confidence that you'd rather have boys drooling over your assets that look like Pamela Anderson on steroids? And then girls complain that boys only care about their bodies..... This does NOT WORK. If you really do have self-confidence issues, seek help, by all means. But ignoring it by pointing people's attention somewhere else doesn't work. "So Lindsay, you're so anorexic that people are actually using you to floss their teeth?" ".....I broke up with my girlfriend! I'll tell you everything!"
This does not work EITHER.

Now that I have jocks, cheerleaders, and Lindsay and her ex-girlfriend chasing me, I'm going to say that you should probably try focusing more on what you like, not what other people will see you as..... and a little less cliche, SHOW SOME RESPECT!!!

Someone tell that quarterback to find his head. He probably hasn't noticed.

Rolling out like Optimus Prime.....

The Young and the Restless.....

2009-05-14T10:39:00.027-07:00

"DANCE! DANCE! LEFT-RIGHT-LEFT!!! THAT'S SOME PRESIDENTIAL BOOGIE RIGHT THERE!!!"
Have you noticed that the country seems to suddenly be shifting its focus toward the younger crowd? We have a younger president, younger technologies, and so on. I wouldn't be surprised if Secret Service men heard the sounds of DDR floating in from the Oval Office (see above). Anyways, this is quite an opportunity for the teens. We have the chance to take over the world!!! Obama is bringing back young and energetic way better than Justin Timberlake ever brought back sexy. In fact, let's think of all the people who have the chance to get massive government funding:

1- Peter Pan. Think of the possibilities! Not only is he young, strong and possibly a female pretending to be a male, then he'll be able to stay young for eternity. Assuming that 3G phone service and Verizon Fios both operate in Never Land. If not, we should probably set up an Internet cable through that star they fly through. Or a wormhole..... Who knows what magical stuff Peter Pan was on when he called a time/space warp a "star".

2- The Jonas Brothers. They command legions of girls who are essentially zombies. They are, in fact, probably more powerful than the government. Star Wars episode 2 portrayed JoBros fans very well as the clone armies. Just paste Joe's head on Yoda in your mind. (Does that even work?....) "When you look me in the eyes/ and tell me that you love me/ I can feel the force flowing through you....."

3- Edward Cullen. Move over, airbrushed-CG effects! It's an all-natural Hollywood star with the best impersonation of a dying lawnmower ever! He made humans look slow, stupid and lazy- until he met Michael Phelps, Bill Gates, and Chuck Norris. Then he uttered an exclamation of shock and surprise: "MMMmbbbbghmmmphibbibblebummph!"

The Moral of the Story: Young people will always have limitless potential and be almost half as awesome as Optimus Prime. If you want to beat out Peter Pan and (please, PLEASE) beat out the Jonas Brothers, set some lofty aspirations; the world is looking for that right about now.

TV clothing

2009-05-11T17:02:00.001-07:00

Stretchable ultra-thin computer displays on the way? You could wear a t-shirt with a continuous Rickroll! Everyone in sight would be rickroll'd instantly!

http://www.technologyreview.com/computing/22632/

Hello!

2009-05-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I've started my own blog. If you're reading this, you should probably know that. I go by the name Salty on here, and I'll be publishing opinionated paragraphs and maybe some cool media. Perhaps I might even publish opinionated paragraphs about cool media. This will all happen when I feel like it.

-Salty-